


PostRevenge Blues

by susanna



Category: Naruto
Genre: 10000-30000 words, Alternative Timeline, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-17
Updated: 2008-03-16
Packaged: 2017-10-03 10:37:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/susanna/pseuds/susanna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written when the fight Sasuke versus Itachi was almost over in the manga.</p><p>Sasuke has completed his revenge against Itachi and feels empty, as predicted by everyone. He has to find new interests to occupy his mind.</p><p>Now with dashes and without weird question marks. Also I have now deleted chapter disclaimers and notes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's Over

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** Naruto, his friends and the universe they live in don't belong to me but to Masashi Kishimoto. I write this story only for my own pleasure and don't make any money with it.
> 
> **This **is not yet the long story I have promised when I finished "The Canalized River" (I am still busy planning that one) but a shorter story that sprung into my mind when I read the recent chapters of the canon...
> 
> It is basically a One-Shot, based on _one_ idea (well, a little bit more), written within _one_ week (and a few days) and it's covers a time of _one_ day (and a few hours.) I have divided it into nine sections.
> 
> I wrote it before chapter 393 was out, not knowing how the fight would end, and I tried very hard to finish it before it would be ended. I was afraid that my story would become obsolete if the fight ended with Sasuke's defeat, but rereading my first chapter now makes me realize that my predictions were not so bad.
> 
> I am have now rewritten the first chapter because it was not so good. Now I could include some of the information from chapter 393.
> 
> **Warnings:** Spoilers for those who have not read chapter 392.
> 
> Some mentioning of sexuality - not more, so this is also a warning for those who read fanfic only because they want porn.
> 
> Clumsy, formal language - I am not a native speaker.
> 
> All comments, positive or negative, constructive of destructive, are appreciated.
> 
> **Thanks** go again to **Eowyn Unquendor**, my beta reader and my best support and critic.
> 
> **Thanks** go as well to **kayuuko** from LiveJournal who has found the picture that was one my sources of inspiration. You can find her answers to my picture search here:
> 
> **A/N:** The story was inspired by recent events in the manga, that is by the fight between Sasuke and Itachi in an old Uchiha meeting-place. I wrote this story before chapter 393 was out, but as it turned out, my assumptions about the ending of the fight were not so bad (if this is indeed the ending of the fight.)
> 
> While Sasuke is fighting his team Hebi is waiting for him outside the secret meeting-place. Out of boredom, Suigetsu has begun to fight Kisame.
> 
> A team from Konoha is pursuing Sasuke and his team, but they meet Tobi/Madara and have to fight him before they can continue. In my story it is assumed that they are quite near to the place where Sasuke and Itachi fight.
> 
> I wish you fun with this story-

It had been a hard and bitter fight, and it had ended not with a final blow from one of the two Uchiha brothers but with Itachi breaking down, blind and completely exhausted. It was not how Sasuke had imagined it, but it did not matter to him now: Now he was just glad that the fight was over and that he was still alive.

He went over to Itachi to see whether he was truly dead. He did not want to make the same mistake as after his Kirin jutsu when he had thought that his brother had died and then he had stood up again, and indeed: Itachi was still alive, casting a small genjutsu with the tips of his fingers, saying: "Did you really think that I had not taken any precautions myself? Did you really think that I had not considered that I might have to learn to fight without my eyes?"

Sasuke broke the genjutsu easily, even though he had hardly any chakra left himself. Then he looked for a second tome, very cautiously, a kunai in his hand, prepared to kill Itachi if he had to.

He did not have to, and he was glad about it. That last feeble genjutsu had finished off Itachi - at least it seemed so. Sasuke considered cutting his throat all the same, or beheading him with his katana sword, or even finding a wooden stake and pushing it through Itachi's heart, as one did with vampires.

He thought better of it. With his eyes empty and turned into different directions, and his body all limp and twisted, Itachi had to be dead.

Sasuke was glad that he did not have to kill him now. Killing him during the fight, his heart full of anger, his veins full of adrenaline, would have been one thing - cutting his throat now, while Itachi was helpless, was another. It would not even have been an act of hatred - just one of reason, because he could not trust Itachi.

His team Hebi, who had been waiting for him outside the fortress were coming looking for him. Suigetsu was bleeding from many wounds, meaning that he had not obeyed Sasuke and fought Kisame, but all in all he was in a better state than Sasuke himself.

Thank goodness it is out of the question that I push a wooden stake through Itachi's heart now, Sasuke thought. They'd think me crazy if I gave them the impression that I still believed in vampires.

"You are a medic nin", he told Karin. "Go and see if he is truly dead!"

"Sure he is", she answered after some testing that had altogether taken ten seconds. "Why do you doubt it?"

"One never knows with an evil guy as him who has nothing to cling to except his own life", Sasuke answered.

Slowly he began to realize that now finally he had really done it: The quest of these last four or rather nine years was over. He had beaten Itachi - not with his Kirin Jutsu, as he had planned, but by making Itachi overexert himself. He had completed his revenge. He could be proud. But at the moment he only felt exhausted.

He lay down while his team prepared the meal. They did not ask any questions, but let him rest, and he was glad of it. He did not sleep, but let his thoughts wander... As a child he had imagined that he would triumph and rejoice when he had finally defeated Itachi and let himself be celebrated as the great victor over Evil. He did not feel any of it now. He was just relieved that it was over. The price had been too high.

The image of his father appeared in front of his inner eye.

"Now you see", he told him. "I am worthier of your love than Itachi. I have proved to be stronger than him; even without the Mangekyou Sharingan I was able to defeat him. I have been a dutiful son who has not followed Itachi's path of Evil. I have avenged you."

The image of his father did not smile nor give any words or signs of acknowledgement. He remained motionless, as he had always been, and Sasuke thought that his father was not happy about being avenged, just sad about his oldest son having turned evil, and now, that he was dead, without any chance of turning back.

Sasuke had hoped that his father would recognize him as being truly his child, that he would thank him, that he would give him permission to revive his clan, finally being worthy of its heritage.

His father did not give that recognition and permission, and Sasuke did not know whether he wanted it. He had always dreamt of restoring his clan's honour and reviving the family, only that now it seemed that there had never been any honour to restore, and no family worthy of being revived.

He did not have to look for a wife now, nor have children as soon as possible. He had fulfilled his duty towards his family by avenging them, this was enough. There was still Madara, but he would take a break before hunting him down. If Itachi was right and he was only a shell of his former self there was no hurry. He had denied himself so many things while he had been training with Orochimaru that he now wanted to enjoy again - even such simple pleasures as looking lazily into the sky and feeling the sun on his skin. (Most of Orochimaru's hideouts had been below the surface.) Spring had begun and he had not noticed.

He listened to a blackbird above him in a tree. How he had missed them too! The only birds whose songs seemed like real music to him, with real melodies, one note gently leading to the next one, and no stanza the same as the one before, and their voices were like human's voices, women's voices to be sure, full and warm, not high and thin and rather chirping than actually singing.

Back in Konoha he had loved music, but in Sound they had used it as a weapon and he had come to hate it. Now I have time to take it up again, he thought.

The little black and orange guy in the tree had stopped singing because he was busy fighting off another blackbird.

At Konoha, music had been considered an unmanly occupation, Sasuke remembered with regret, but with birds it were the males who sung, and the best singer was the manliest of all...

Naruto, he thought. How could I forget him? Now I can finally make up with him. It was what he had most longed for during the years with Orochimaru. Make up with him, explain everything, so that they could be friends again. He had always thought that this would be the first thing he did after completing his revenge.

He remembered their last encounter, not with Naruto himself but with one of his kagebunshin. He had pushed the clone away, chidorizing it and thus making it disperse, but he had been well aware that doing this he had let Naruto know where he was. He knew that Naruto and whoever was with him were now following his trail.

He sat up.

"Wait with the meal!" he told his team.

"Why?"

"The team from Konoha who are pursuing us: We shall invite them to join our feast and celebrate with us. Karin, can you already feel their chakra?"

She performed her jutsu.

"They are quite near, actually. However, they are engaged in a fight."

Sasuke felt his energy returning. "That's perfect! We'll help them out!"

"Wait!" Suigetsu said. "You are not in a state for another fight."

"So what? You can still fight, can't you?"

"You mean that we should fight for them so that you will be accepted back by your friends from Konoha?" Suigetsu continued.

"Yes."

"So let's go! Kisame ran away when he saw that Itachi was losing. He has just raised my appetite - I am hungry for more."


	2. A wellrehearsed Speech

When they arrived at the site of the fight they saw that it was only one opponent, and yet he managed to keep the whole, rather large team of Konoha nin busy.

Naruto was, as always, in the center of trouble, fighting with a lot of his kagebunshin who got dispersed one after the other. Sasuke wanted to help him out, to make clear that he still cared for him, even though he had not been able to show him for more than three years. But he was still too weak, and when he tried to intervene he passed out so that Juugo had to catch him in his arms to prevent him from falling.

When he woke up he was lying in the grass and Sakura was sitting next to him.

"Let me check you", she said. "I am a med nin, you know, and I want to make sure that you are fine."

There should be a law against girls becoming med nins in order to molest people, that is men, Sasuke thought.

"I am fine", he said. "How did the fight go? Did you win? Is everyone okay? What happened to Naruto?"

"Everyone is okay except you yourself", Sakura replied irritatedly. "The enemy fled the moment you and your team joined in. Now let me check you."

Again he hindered her from touching him, making her now really angry. Luckily Karin came over and told Sakura to leave him alone, which resulted in the first fight of this evening. Both Kakashi and Suigetsu had a hard time separating the two kunoichis.

Sasuke closed his eyes and listened to Suigetsu and Kakashi apologizing to each other for their female teammates' behaviour. They seemed to get along, he thought, his team and the Konoha team, even though the distrust between them was still obvious. Karin and Suigetsu were too old to take the teenagers from Konoha seriously and too young to be taken seriously by the two Jounin. Juugo was clumsy and silent, and when he talked he tried to be friendly to everyone.

Sasuke enjoyed listening to the buzz of people around him (no blackbirds here where people were so noisy), all busy with their everyday troubles, but he could not participate. Not today, maybe never.

He tried to make out Naruto's voice but he could not: Either he was unusually silent, or Sakura had not been honest about him and something had happened to him. Sasuke opened his eyes to look for him, and there he was, sitting at his side, waiting silently for Sasuke to wake up.

"Are you okay?" he asked when Sasuke opened his eyes, insecure and much more careful than Sakura.

Sasuke opened his eyes a split.

"I am. I will join you when the meal is ready. I am utterly exhausted, that is all. I just fought the fight of my life."

"You did. How does it feel?"

"Tiring", Sasuke answered, closing his eyes again.

"Sakura thought that you'd lose your will to live if you ever managed to kill Itachi."

"No, definitely not." Actually the thought that Naruto had not come of his own accord but because Sakura had told him to look after him was far more damaging to Sasuke's will to live than Itachi's death.

"Yeah, I told her so. You won't be broken because your only brother has just been killed."

Sasuke felt relieved. He was tired but also he felt strangely light-hearted, as he had never felt in years, probably never since his family's murder. Maybe it was because of Naruto sitting next to him, with an expression of worry and confusion on his face, but most of all happiness and warmth. The heaviest weight on Sasuke's mind during all these years with Orochimaru had been taken from him.

Lazily he reached out to touch him - Naruto's upper arm turned out to be just within reach. Naruto did not react to it, if he did not count Naruto's even more confused look.

It should have been easy now, knowing that the answer would be positive, and still Sasuke had to force himself to speak the words he had turned around in his mind one time after the other:

"I am sorry."

"Oh, it's okay", Naruto said, moving his arm and shaking off Sasuke's hand."

"Not that, idiot", Sasuke said annoyed. Why should he be sorry for touching Naruto? "I mean, I am sorry for attempting to kill you in the Valley of the End."

When he had rehearsed his speech in his mind he had certainly not planned to talk in such an angry tone. Also he had not imagined that he would be lying on his back looking up to Naruto who was sitting next to him.

"Ah, that", Naruto said. "And what about your second attempt to kill me when we found you in Orochimaru's lair?"

"I did not want to kill you then."

"Oh, sorry, my bad, it must have been a misunderstanding then. It just looked very much like the real thing."

"I had to know whether I was strong enough to subdue the kyuubi, and for this I had to call it forth by threatening to kill you." Sasuke paused and thought. This was definitely not how he had planned to ask Naruto to forgive him.

"I am sorry", he said again. "For the fight in the Valley of the End and for the way I treated you that time in Orochimaru's lair, pretending to be all cold. Will you forgive me, Naruto?"

For some seconds Naruto sat all unmoved and serious, making Sasuke fear the worst, then he broke into a wide grin.

"And you call me an idiot! How could I not forgive you? We came here to save you, remember?"

"To save me? From whom?"

Naruto had to think for a while. "I am not sure. Maybe from risking your life by fighting Itachi and getting yourself killed."

"That was not necessary. I don't go into fights without making sure that I am strong enough to win them."

"Yeah, we all know that", Naruto replied. "Particularly not when it comes to fighting your brother."


	3. Where are you now?

"I have done it. I have succeeded", Sasuke kept telling himself while they were eating. Silently of course: No one heard him except himself, no one listened to him or payed any attention to him, no one cared to ask him for details about how the fight had gone.

They were all busy telling the story of the pursuit from their respective points of view, discussing whether it had been the pursuited who had outwitted the pursuers or the other way round.

"We found you, didn't we", Kiba said.

"Sasuke wanted you to catch up with us, that's all", Suigetsu replied. "He made sure we'd run into one of Naruto's clones. Otherwise you would still be desperately looking for clues."

"Why should he have wanted to be found?" Sai asked. "He's a traitor after all, who has deserted Konoha and doesn't care for anyone but himself. It is only Naruto who cares for him."

The pussy who had been his replacement... Sasuke still did not know what to make of him, only that he had no intention to get to know him better.

"He's no traitor", Naruto replied the pussy, and this led to the second fight of the evening.

"Actually, why did you let them catch up with us?" Suigetsu asked after Yamato and Sakura had managed to separate the two fighters.

"I thought we might need them to fight off some other Akatsuki who might try to interfere, as that guy who fled when he saw us."

"And I thought you were going to make use of the opportunity to ask your old comrades to take you back to Konoha. What are we going to do anyway?"

Sasuke was not sure whether Suigetsu's "we" included only Karin and Juugo or him as well. It reminded him, however, that he was still responsible for his team.

"I have not thought about it", he said. "I haven't made any plans for the future."

He had really not thought about it, except that he had wanted to make up with Naruto, which he had now done. He had thought that it was soon enough to make plans when he had finished his revenge.

"You see, it is as everyone told you", Sakura blurted out. "Even if you get your revenge your life will be empty afterwards. Where are you now, after having abandoned everything, your friends, your precious persons, your career as a ninja, your village, just to kill one man? And now he is even dead! Where are you now?"

Sasuke asked himself whether he should regret that last fact. Where am I now? he wondered. I have just killed the man who is responsible that I have no precious persons left, and no one to live for. I have spent three years training in order to become stronger than my opponent, and now I am one of the strongest shinobi of the world. Where am I now?

"Well, at the moment he is sitting with all of us in the shadow of this ruin of an ancient Uchiha fortress", Suigetsu answered in his stead. "That's where he is now."

"But what if we had not come to save you?"

"Save me from whom?" Sasuke asked sharply. "I have defeated Itachi, if you haven't noticed."

"Save you!" Sakura simply answered. "You were obviously gone mad, so you needed saving."

"Why do you think I am mad?"

"Attempting to kill Naruto and all. You don't want to tell me that you were in your right mind when you fought him in the Valley of the End."

"No, of course not. But that was only for half an hour. I was back in my right mind before the fight was ended." I haven't killed him, he thought. "Anyway, it's none of your business. It's a matter between Naruto and myself."

"It is my business", she replied. "Naruto is my friend, if you haven't noticed. And besides, what about the rest, such as leaving Konoha and joining its worst enemy, Orochimaru?"

"I defeated him as well, remember? I never joined forces with him, or aided him in his criminal activities. I was living with him and learning from him, but never was I one of his subordinates."

I was his precious vessel who could afford to do anything knowing that Orochimaru would never seriously harm me.

"I had a clear idea of what I was doing even when I left Konoha, and during my stay with Orochimaru I worked out the details of my plan: How I would defeat him when he was weakest and then defeat Itachi. I never planned to let myself be taken over. That you don't see the true purpose of my actions does not necessarily mean that I am out of my mind."

That one - almost - silenced her. Sasuke asked himself why he had ever seriously considered marrying her after completing his revenge. Just because she was desperately in love with him, and because it had been painful for him to watch her trying to give her heart to him without him being able to return anything? Just because he would have to marry someone if he ever wanted to revive his clan, and Sakura was as good as any other woman (and certainly better than Ino or Karin)?

He did not have to return anything to Sakura because she was not worth it, and he did not have to revive his clan because they were not worth it, wading in blood as they had been. He was free now to live for himself.

"You are still without a home or a goal in your life", Sakura continued.

"Leave him alone", Karin finally intervened. "I don't know which self-help books you have read that you think that completing your revenge will necessarily make you feel empty. He's exhausted, that's all. He'll find a new goal when it is time."

"And don't forget, he still has to revive his clan", Naruto added.

The words hurt Sasuke, though he had no idea why. After all, the question of reviving his clan was on his mind as well. They hurt because Naruto had said them, he realized. Did he want to get rid of him already, throwing him to this or that woman, just now when they had finally renewed their friendship?

"Oh, does he?" Kiba asked.

"He said so the day we became genins when Kakashi asked us about our dreams."

"Definitely sounds like more fun than taking revenge", Kiba said.

"At least he won't be able to do it all by himself", Naruto ended the conversation.


	4. Are you happy?

In spite of his exhaustion Sasuke stayed up late that night. I have to enjoy it, he told himself. The first evening after I killed Itachi. The first evening of my new life. The first evening... No one else seemed to care. He tried to enjoy his victory all by himself, but it was not easy.

The third fight of the evening was between Yamato and Kakashi, though being Jounin and grown-ups and all, they did not fight physically.

"We should bind him", Yamato had said. "So that he won't run away."

"I dont think he'll try", Kakashi had answered.

"He's a missing-nin, and it's our mission to bring him back safely to Konoha."

"He's a friend, and we came to save him", Kakashi had replied.

How do they think that they should be able to bind me, Sasuke had thought. Have I not just proved that I was strong enough to defeat Itachi? Am I not one of the strongest shinobi of the world?

Maybe it was for this reason that Kakashi won the argument.

When it got late and most of them had gone to sleep, Kakashi sat down next to Sasuke.

"Are you happy, now that Itachi is dead?" he asked.

"I am not sure", Sasuke answered after a minute of thinking. "Maybe I expected to be happier."

"Your life is still the same", Kakashi continued. "Maybe worse than before you left Konoha."

"No, it's not", Sasuke replied automatically. He said it mainly to silence Kakashi, because he did not want another lecture about revenge being useless and damaging to the soul, and still he knew it to be true: Even if he did not feel jubilant as he had expected, he still felt better than he had when he had been in Konoha. He felt free now.

"A weight is lifted from my shoulders", he said. "I have fulfilled my duty."

"Your duty towards your clan..." Kakashi replied.

"Yes", Sasuke answered, trying to hide his feelings. Kakashi's words had touched the worst wound he had received from Itachi. Maybe his revenge had been pointless after all. Maybe his clan had not been worth being avenged. Maybe he had sacrificed three years of his life for nothing.

I don't want to discuss this with Kakashi, or Sakura, he thought. They will just say: "You should have better listened."

It was worth it, he suddenly realized. Even if my clan has not been worth it. I have learnt what I would not have learnt by staying in Konoha.

And yet he was not able to name what he had learnt.

"Killing Itachi won't bring them back to life, you know", Kakashi continued.

"Of course. I never expected it."

"And the pain about their loss does not get better either."

It's got worse, Sasuke thought, because Itachi has now even destroyed my memories of former happiness.

"When my best friend got killed in the war against Earth Country, I was all anger and pain, except for a bit of a bad conscience, because I had not protected him, and I went on a rampage avenging him. I could not think any more, I just wanted to kill as many rock nins as possible. They should suffer as much as I did.

"When I was able to think again, my pain had not become less, but had grown worse. I knew now that whatever I did I could not make him come back again to life, and that there was no way to escape the pain of his loss. Also now I felt the horror about what I had done: Killing so many people who had done nothing wrong, they just were soldiers and happened to be our opponents. I hated myself for the pain I had caused them and their families."

"I did not know about your friend", Sasuke answered. "Maybe I would have reacted differently to your warning back in Konoha if I had known. Though maybe not: I was not able to care about anyone but myself then."

Kakashi did not answer: He was lost in his own thoughts.

"But it is not the same for me as for you", Sasuke continued. "Immediately after the massacre I was all anger and pain and attacked my brother, but I did not succeed at killing him, as I was still a little child. Later however my pain and anger transformed into hatred, and into planning my revenge."

"Then if it was not to make your pain go away, why was killing Itachi so important to you?"

"I had to avenge my clan, didn't I? One has to. It was my duty if I wanted to restore my and my clan's honour."

Though maybe there hasn't been any honour to start with, Sasuke thought.

"I don't know what it feels like to come from an honourable family", Kakashi answered as if in resonance to Sasuke's thoughts. "My family never had any honour. My father killed himself out of shame when I was six."

Sasuke listened intently while Kakashi told his story.

"Thanks for sharing", he said when Kakashi had finished. He had always thought it a stupid sentence - why should he be thankful that anyone told him the crappy stories of his life? They should thank him that he cared to listen! - and he hated it when he had been forced to use it in the therapy group he had been put into after the massacre. This time however he meant it.

"I wish I had known that before", he added. I wish I had understood before why Kakashi was who he was and acted as he acted. "Though maybe I was too young then." And focused only on myself and my revenge.

"Maybe I just did not want that Itachi should have the last word", he said.


	5. You are your clan!

They had set up watches for the night but Sasuke had not been assigned a shift.

"You are too exhausted", people had told him, and he had known that people still did not trust him, not even if he shared the shift with one of the Konoha team members, as his teammates did.

Still he woke up in the early morning, and following an impulse he set himself to work. Suigetsu and Sakura, whose turn it was to keep watch, did not notice him as they were happily chatting with each other, they did not even notice him when he silently left the camp and went to a small stream that ran down the Uchiha fortress.

He found a strong log of wood and began to cut a hole into it, so that it might serve as a little boat. The sky in the East was all red when he had finished his work and stepped into the river.

He hesitated. It was just a symbolic act, without even any witnesses, and he could take it back whenever he felt like it, and still it seemed a final step to him and he paused to think before he would actually do it.

The birds were singing again. He was free now to listen to them, he thought, he did no longer have to devote every minute of his life to getting stronger and killing Itachi.

He was free to do what he chose to do and to cut all bonds except those he had formed himself.

He had waited too long: Naruto had discovered his escape and followed him and was now standing at the side of the little river.

"Sasuke, what are you doing?" he called. "Sakura was scared when she saw that you had given her the slip. She told me to run after you and see that you don't harm yourself."

"How should I harm myself, moron? The river does not even reach up to my knees."

"You could still drown. You'd just have to lie flat down on your belly."

"Why should I do that?"

"Sakura thinks that you are probably feeling all empty."

"Oh, does she? And what do you think yourself?"

"I - I don't know."

Not thinking at all - that was Naruto how Sasuke remembered him. By now he had taken off his sandals and rolled his pants up above his knees. He stepped into the river to join Sasuke but he slipped on a wet stone and got all wet, and Sasuke had to give him a hand up.

"What are you doing anyway?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke showed him the boat, then what he intended to put on it to send it down the river with it: His clan's crests that he had severed from his clothes.

Naruto was no less shocked than if Sasuke had indeed been trying to kill himself.

"What - I mean - Sasuke - what are you doing? I mean, your clan - it's always been the center and the purpose of your life. How can you do this? You are your clan!"

"Probably, now that I am the only survivor."

He did not mention the Uchiha Madara Itachi had told him about.

"What about your dream of reviving it?"

"It's not worth it."

"Because you'd need a woman's help for it?"

Again the words hurt because they came from Naruto.

"No. Because they are not worth it. Because it might be better if it is not revived."

Because it might have been a good thing after all that his clan had been killed by Itachi.

"Why do you say this? The Uchiha clan has always been one of the pillars of the community of Konoha. They used to be the military police."

"You don't have to tell me", Sasuke replied.

"So why?"

"On the surface they were the military police of Konoha, but in reality, they waded in blood, killing their best friends in order to gain the Mangekyou Sharingan and their siblings to stop the process of going blind that is the price for the Mangekyou Sharingan."

He explained to Naruto what he had learnt the day before.

"A person like Itachi might do that", Naruto said, "but not you."

I just killed my brother, Sasuke thought.

"Anyway, who told you that this was regular custom among the Uchihas?"

"Itachi did."

"And you believe him?"

"Why would he have lied to me?"

"To confuse you. To make you doubt yourself."

"I did not doubt myself. I knew I was stronger than him."

"To make you doubt that you were fighting for the right thing."

"You don't defeat your enemy because you are fighting for the right thing. You defeat them because you are stronger than they are."

"Fighting for the people you love makes you stronger. Even if they are already dead."

Sasuke had thought that he had loved his parents but Itachi's words had made him doubt his parents' love for him. What if his father had not cared for him because he had only seen him as his brother's spare?

Slowly Sasuke let his little boat down into the river but when he was going to put the family crests on it, Naruto took his arm. Are you sure? his eyes asked.

Sasuke nodded, and Naruto let him do it. But before letting the boat go, Sasuke took one of the red and white crests and put it back into his pocket, just in case.

"You'll have to return to Konoha to find out whether Itachi's story is true", Naruto said.


	6. A Paradise Called Home

Emptiness struck at lunch when everyone, including the two Jounin, was chatting and having fun. By now Sasuke's team had integrated perfectly with the Konoha team. Suigetsu was talking more than anyone else, clearly enjoying the fact that the teenagers looked up to him because he was much cooler than them and his life had been much more adventurous, at least before he had been captured by Orochimaru. Karin had made her peace with Sakura and they showed their medical ninjutsu to each other while they treated those who had been injured the day before.

Juugo - Sasuke had thought that Juugo had done fairly well while he had been travelling with his team, calming down, finding peace and rarely having any homicidal fits, but now he realized that his progress had been stifled by Suigetsu's and Karin's distrust, by their constant bickering Juugo did not know what to make of, and by his own, Sasuke's, inability to get close to anyone.

With a bunch of friendly, gentle people who did not know about his abnormality he was thriving. Helping where he could, smiling happily in answer to the Leaf Ninjas' (mostly the two girls') friendliness, and talking and chatting more and more (also mostly to the two girls) until Sasuke asked himself what had happened to the silent guy who had been his companion for these last weeks.

I have to warn Suigetsu and Karin against telling anyone about his homicidal fits, Sasuke thought: They shall not destroy Juugo's newly-won happiness with these people who don't know about them; but then he overheard Juugo himself telling Sakura how he had come to be a prisoner of Orochimaru. Sasuke thought of stopping him, but he did not know how, and Sakura, after hearing the truth about Juugo's condition, did not shy away but embraced Juugo in a tender, sisterly way.

"We will help you", she said. "Tsunade is the best med nin in the Five Great Ninja countries, and in all the smaller countries in between, and she will find a way to liberate you from the effects of that enzyme: Help you get rid of it, or find an antidote to block it, or develop some techniques that help you stay in control. Just come with us to Konoha!"

Juugo smiled happily, and Sasuke understood that he would never be able to join in: In Sakura's and all her teammates' imagination, Konoha was a perfect place, some kind of paradise where all wounds would be healed and all sorrow overcome, in one word: home. It was not for him: His home had been irreversably destroyed when Itachi had murdered the clan and his world had been ripped apart. In his foolishness he had thought that revenge might make it whole again, but it had not happened, instead Itachi had destroyed what had remained of his former home: the memories of a loving family, of a clan that was worth of devoting his life to it.

He wondered if Sakura would invite him to come and join them in their home as she had done with Juugo. Probably - that after all had been the point of their searching for him for years. Only that their home could never be his home: He'd always known that not all wounds can be healed and not all sorrow overcome.

He watched Naruto: Still trying to get admittance to that paradise they called Konoha, still loud and bragging and insecure beneath the surface, though something had changed, Sasuke thought. Naruto was more confident now that he knew how to behave in a way that people would accept him. But this was not the Naruto he had grown to love as a child - insecure, longing to be loved, and completely devoted to those who cared to care for him.

Neither was it the Naruto who had gone after him this morning.

Every now and then Naruto looked at Sasuke and smiled at him, and Sasuke saw again the child who longed to be loved and who would reward the one who offered him friendship with absolute, unwavering love. It took Sasuke a while before he realized that he himself had to be smiling as well, however faintly, and that Naruto responded to his smile.

He lay down on his back and looked at the blue sky and at the blackbird (not the same one as the day before) who was sitting in the tree, not singing at the moment, but taking his lunch-break. Sasuke was still happy that now again he had time to watch them, but they would not be able to give his life a new purpose.

Then the blackbird ended his lunch-break and took up his singing and Sasuke suddenly realized why he had loved him always better than any other bird: He reminded him of his mother, of her voice, of her instrument, that later had become his own. He had never had time to properly mourn her, as he had always been concentrating on his revenge and on getting stronger and had not been able to allow himself such weakness as being sad, and now that he finally had time to be sad Itachi had destroyed the memory of his family. He hated him more than ever before, even though he was dead now.

But his mother had not been born an Uchiha. She had only married into the clan. She had no share in its crimes and its bloody heritage.

Itachi had not killed the clan because they deserved it. He had killed indiscriminately, and only for his own selfish reasons.

Lunch was ready and Naruto brought Sasuke some food, sitting down next to him. A few times they looked at each other, turning away immediately afterwards, and yet shyly smiling, then they ate side by side in silence.

After lunch they took up their journey, and when they passed through a town, Sasuke asked them to stop. He counted the money he had left: he did not need it any more as the Town of Konoha was now paying for the mission's expenses, including feeding Sasuke and his companions. The result of the counting was however that his money would not be sufficient for what he intended to buy, and he asked Kakashi to lend him some, which Kakashi granted him even though it was a rather large amount and certainly not covered by the 'mission's expenses'.

Probably it was because he had seen what kind of shop it was: A music store.

Sasuke left the store two hours after he had entered it, while everyone else had been waiting for him outside in some cafe. They did not show any sign of impatience, they were content when he told them that he would show them his purchases when they were out of town.

They were still touching him with velvet gloves, he realized, their eyes saying that they were happy that he had returned, and most of all, that apparently he had found something that would give him pleasure now that Itachi was dead, so that his life would not be completely empty.

They did not leave immediately. They still had to wait for the two jounin who had some business of their own in town.


	7. An instrument from the other side of the World

They travelled without any questions being asked or answered though of course everybody longed to know what the mysterious item was that Sasuke had bought, and which news their jounins would have for them.

So they were all glad when they stopped rather early that night to find a place to set up the camp for the night. The jounins separated themselves from the group, as they had to discuss a few things, leaving the work of setting up the camp and preparing food to the younger shinobi.

Sasuke did not help. He was still special, and no one told him to do his share. So he took what he had bought at the music store, opened the dark long case, took out its shining silver content. Carefully he cleaned it with some piece of cloth, put fat on the surfaces that had to go one into the other, and then put the pieces together.

He was perfectly aware that all the other young ninja were watching him intently, fascinated and wondering because - he was well aware of that as well - the instrument did not go together with their image of him. It did not really go together with his image of himself, if he was honest. But this was not important now, he loved it and he longed to play it again after so many years of abstinence, he could not tell how much. He had played a bit in the music store (that was what had taken him so long), but that did not count, as it had not really been playing but trying different instruments...

Eagerness and anticipation took over, when he carefully lifted the instrument to his lips and blew through it so that the air inside could get warm, and he forgot the people who were watching him, he did not care whether they admired or despised him, whether they were realizing that he was not as broken and empty and out of his mind as they thought he was, or whether they believed that he was now gone completely crazy: It didn't matter, he could only think of playing now. He began with some scales.

His fingers, his lips, his tongue were out of practice. He had not played during his years with Orochimaru of course, but even before his desertion from Konoha, from the time when he had become a genin, he had practically abandoned it because of lack of time, but also because his mother's sister, who had taught him to play the flute, had moved to the capital of the Fire Country after having married.

He had not known whom to ask where to find a new teacher, as music was considered a waste of time for a young shinobi, and the flute with its sweet, gentle, rather feminine sound was considered particularly unsuitable for a young man from an old Shinobi clan - but it had been his mother's instrument, and playing it had been a way to honour and remember her, and after some time he had grown to love it for its own sake.

"I know", he said, putting the instrument down when he felt all eyes (and ears) were turned to him. "It is one of these foreign instruments from the other side of the world that have become fashionable in recent decades. I know it would be more appropriate if I had chosen an instrument that is traditional for the Fire Country." But then it would not have been my mother's instrument, he thought.

"Anyway, I have been told that people on the other side of the world are fascinated with our culture, so it probably all evens out", he continued.

No one answered. They were still watching in fascination. Only the blackbirds took up their singing.

Blackbirds showed off by singing, Sasuke remembered. They had to sing in order to prove that they were real men - well, rather eligible males. They did not have to fight. (Though often they did it all the same.)

If I had not been born into the Uchiha clan I might have become a musician, he thought. I might not have needed to become a fighter. But I could not think of anything but following the footsteps of my father and all my other ancestors from his side, and Itachi's, whom I still admired at that time, and later I followed him in order to become strong enough to defeat him.

Maybe Itachi was right and my fate was drenched in blood the day I was born an Uchiha.

Sasuke had bought some sheet music as well: The "Magic Flute" in a version for two flutes. He had never really understood the opera as a whole, but he had loved the idea of a flute that would overcome all evil, and, most of all, there were the happy memories of his mother playing the duos together with her sister and later of himself playing them with his aunt and teacher.

There was one particular piece he wanted to play: The song Tamino sings while playing the flute in order to call Pamina, and complaining that it does not work. He had used to practise it a lot because it was difficult and his tongue and fingers had to move really fast, but by putting so much effort into it he had come to love it.

He found it, began to play it, discovered that even if he had not practised for years, all the training as a ninja he had gone through had also increased his speed and stamina when it came to playing the flute. He grew more confident realizing that he had not to concentrate on getting the notes right, and he began to play with more emotion, putting as much longing into the music as he could, and to concentrate on his flute's sound to make it warm and full.

Then, to his surprise, Naruto fell in, singing the melody with his sweet tenor's voice.

Annoyed, Sasuke put down his instrument. Could Naruto not for once just listen?

"Why have you stopped?" Naruto asked. "Am I not good enough for you?"

No, you are not, Sasuke wanted to answer. Your voice is too thin, every note is a little bit too flat or too high, there is no rhythm in your singing, and you don't even know the melody or the text really well - you sing like a person who has heard the song once or twice and now enjoys singing it in the shower.

He did not say any of it. He was not perfect either, and he did not have the music of the original, just a version for two flutes, and after all, the aria was a duet between a flute and a singer's voice.

"It's okay", he said, and together they tried to play and sing it again, even though Naruto was really insecure as a singer, and even though neither of them knew the complete text or really remembered how flute and singer's text go together in that song.

"Jiraya once took me to the opera when we visited the capital", Naruto told when they had finished. "It was of course to impress a woman, but he did not know what to do with me, so I had to come along. I liked the story of the prince trying to save the princess from the evil sorcerer's place, but then I got confused because the prince changed sides. Later Jiraya explained to me that it was all about revenge being evil."


	8. Threefold, Tenfold, Hundredfold

When dinner was over the two Jounin finally told their news: A messenger bird from Konoha had arrived, bringing them the sad tidings of Jiraya's death but also a message that Jiraya had finally found out the true identity of Akatsuki's true leader.

"He had thought that he had found out about him before he went to Rain Country to confront him, but then it turned out that the man he was fighting was just a puppet and that the true leader is someone else. Only that the puppet managed to kill Jiraya."

"But he found out who is truly responsible?" Naruto said, gasping. "So who is it? He'll pay for it: Threefold, tenfold, hundredfold."

No one can die more than once, Sasuke thought. Having gone through this himself he recognized what Naruto was doing: Fantasizing about making the killer pay, so that he did not have to realize the true meaning of Jiraya's death: That he would never be able to see him again, to talk to him, to learn from him, to say whatever had been left unsaid. It would work only for a short time.

"Calm down, Naruto", Kakashi said. "You won't be able to do anything if you are all angry and not able to listen or to think clearly."

"I do listen! So tell me who it is! You said that Jiraya found out about him - what is his name?"

"It is not that simple", Kakashi replied. "There are some mysteries surrounding his identity. Jiraya found out that he possesses some powers that were unique to Uchiha Madara, which is strange, since Madara was one of the founders of Konoha and the ancestor of the Uchiha clan. He is supposed to have been killed by the Shodai Hokage, and even if that's not true he should have died of old age a long time ago. We don't know whether Akatsuki accepts his claim: This puppet of his, who killed Jiraya, apparently did."

He turned to Sasuke: "What do you know of this affair?"

I am not responsible for him, Sasuke thought. Being an Uchiha as well does not make me answerable for his actions, or his crimes.

"I heard about him only yesterday", he said. "Itachi told me about him. He as well accepted the man's claim that he was Uchiha Madara."

Thoughts were racing through his head. What should he tell, what should he leave unsaid? He did not want to tell that Madara had a share in the murder of the clan, and that he planned to take revenge on him as well. He did not want to listen to more lectures about revenge being evil and leaving you all empty. He did not want them to know that he had a personal interest that this man should be killed.

"Itachi considered him weaker than himself", he said. "And I just killed Itachi."

"May I take this as an offer that you will help us hunt him down and take him out for good?" Kakashi asked.

"You may", Sasuke answered haughtily. "Whether he is really the founder of Konoha and the forefather of the Uchiha clan, or whether he is an impostor who somehow managed to get into possession of some of his powers and thus persuaded Akatsuki of his claim: I will help you."

I won't do it on my own, he thought. It won't be my own personal revenge. He did not know how he felt about this. He was a bit disappointed; on the other hand he felt relieved. Three years of thinking of nothing but revenge had worn him out, he had hoped for a break that would have given him time to think of other things. Maybe it was good that this time there would be people to do it together with him. He had proven his valour by defeating Itachi, after all, he did not have to do it again.

"What do you yourself think about the man's claim that he is Madara?" Kakashi continued to ask.

"I have no idea. I will tell you when we meet him."

Kakashi understood that he would not say any more. He turned back to Naruto.

"There is something else you have to know. Madara had the power to control the kyuubi. Jiraya thinks he was behind the attack on Konoha sixteen years ago."

That's what Itachi said, Sasuke remembered. He would have to share his information, but not tonight.

"So it's his fault", Naruto said, "that so many people died, that Iruka was without parents, that I am stuck with this monster, that everyone hated me when I was a kid. I will make him pay. I shall kill him."

"Calm down, Naruto", Kakashi said again. "This is not why I told you this. I told you in order to warn you: He can control the kyuubi, and when you try to use the kyuubi's chakra or allow it to get free because you get angry and lose your grip on yourself he will control you as well and make you his tool to fight your friends. So calm down, or we will have to see that you stay at a safe distance."

"I guess it would be better anyway if you did not join the fight", Yamato added. "The risk of the kyuubi getting free and being controlled by Madara is too high."

Why did they take him with them at all? Sasuke wondered. Wouldn't it have been safest to leave him in Konoha if they are scared that the kyuubi might get loose?

"I won't stay behind as if I were a helpless child!" Naruto protested. "I can fight myself."

"Not with the kyuubi inside you", Yamato replied. "Not if you behave childishly and irresponsibly as you are doing right now. You have to get used to the fact that you are not a normal kid. You should have learnt to accept your fate by now. If you don't accept your fate you will never be able to fight a strong opponent, or any opponent for that matter, but in the long run you will have to be kept safely in Konoha."

This silenced Naruto: He sank down, his shoulders falling forward, only his hands were still tense, tightly clenched around his teacup.

"He'll pay", he murmured, and Sasuke wondered if anyone else had heard him.


	9. Back Up

When everyone was rolling out their sleeping-bags, Naruto was still sitting at the fire, immobile and mute. Sasuke went over to him.

"Don't worry too much", he said, taking Naruto's arm. "Madara may be able to control the kyuubi, but so am I."

"I don't need you to protect me!" Naruto replied.

"That's not what I mean. I mean that you can fight without holding back. I will be your back-up."

"Yes. Thanks." Slowly Naruto relaxed.

Madara, or whoever it is, will have to pay for his crimes, Sasuke thought. Helping Itachi to kill the clan, releasing the kyuubi on Konoha, founding Akatsuki, having them kill Jiraya. He will pay, but I don't have to kill him myself. I will support Naruto doing it, and see that nothing happens to him.

He was oddly content with this idea. He was also oddly content with sitting at Naruto's side, his hand still on Naruto's arm, with Naruto all soft and peaceful and relaxed, and he was tempted to caress him with the tips of his fingers. How I have longed for him, he realized. To be hear him, to protect him, to comfort him. To hold him, as I am doing now, so that he can relax.

"We will kill him", Naruto said, "but before, we will find out whether he is really the founder of Konoha and the forefather of the Uchiha clan and whether the story of plucking out his younger brother's eyes is true and whether it was really regular custom among the Uchihas that they killed their friends and their brothers in order to gain the permanent Mangekyou Sharingan."

"Yes thanks", Sasuke said on his turn, pressing Naruto's hand.

They rolled out their sleeping-bags side by side. Naruto had already crept into his when Sasuke was still sitting upright, looking at the sky full of stars, thinking about the events of the day. Again, his life had a direction, the one he would have chosen for himself: killing Madara. I might have enjoyed a break, however, he thought. It might have been better to do this at my own pace, according to my own plans.

On the other hand he was glad that he was no longer alone.

They might fight at my side but they will never be close to me, he realized. For them the world is home, for me it is not.

His eyes met Naruto's, who was lying on his back and looking up at him. His sleeping-position had not changed since they had been children; even then he had lied on his back, exposed to teh world, absolutely fearless, while Sasuke had slept on his side, curled up, holding his blanket or his pillow, after having realized that he could not take any plushies on ninja missions. (He still slept like this. It aws enough to be a strong shinobi when he was awake. How he slept was no one else's business.)

He could not turn his eyes from Naruto, and he did not know why. It was not that Naruto was particularly beautiful, for he was not: Quite many with broad shoulders and a muscular chest, to be sure, but not very regular features, lips that were too full for a man, his nose still tinted upward as that of a child, and his face all too round and still a bit boyish.

It were his eyes, Sasuke finally realized, but not their colour, though they were of a remarkably dark and brillant blue. It was their openness how each of Naruto's emotions showed up in tehm... At the moment they were peacefulness, but also some insecurity, and a lot of warmth.

Him I may trust, Sasuke thought. For him neither the world is home.

"May I ask you something?" Naruto began.

"Sure", Sasuke answered.

"When you play the flute, your fingers have to be delicate and strong, gentle and swift, and your tongue has to move really quickly, doesn't it?"

"It does."

"Have you ever tried it on anything else?"

"A blow-job you mean? No, I haven't."

The image had just turned up in his mind by itself (well, not quite by itself, Sasuke had imagined Naruto being naked in his sleeping-bag while he had been looking at him), and to his surprise he was not disgusted by it. He had always been disgusted when he had come upon Kabuto and Orochimaru (though after some time he had turned it into a cruel game to humiliate Kabuto by waling in when he knew him to be thus engaged.)

"Actually I have rather thought of kissing", Naruto said.

It were his eyes again, Sasuke realized, his eyes that told him that Naruto was not asking him whether he had already kissed a girl. Carefully Sasuke touched his cheek, round and soft and firm, and bowed down, and Naruto reached out to him and touched the back of his head, burying his hand in his hair. Sasuke was scared at first - he had never really liked to be touched, as he had always associated it with his brother's fake caresses. However he could not chicken out now, having first touched Naruto from his side, and it wasn't that bad, actually rather pleasant, and of course he wanted to kiss Naruto.

Naruto drew his lips to his own, and very gently, very carefully their lips touched, and Naruto's tongue caressed Sasuke's lips. Sasuke had not expected the flash of warmth and bliss that spread from his mouth through his body...

His world may have broken down, Sasuke thought, but it still held some pleasant surprises.

Naruto seemed to be content as well: His eyes were all tenderness and the laughter of pure joy.

"Concerning the blow-job", Naruto said, touching Sasuke's face, "may I take it as an offer?"

**The End**


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